Addiction, Healing, insecurity

Testimony Tuesdays: “Something Inside Me”

Featuring Softcover Heart friend, Megan, and her testimony! 

There’s something inside me that has made me new and set me free…again and again.

I did a lot of watching and learning as a child. Sisters were arguing, mom was crying, dad was drinking, and brother was in prison.

And then you have me. Where do I fall into the mix? There was something inside me that wondered, “How can I make this better?”

When I was 6 years old, I began going to the Boys & Girls Club every day. Here, I found healthy relationships and freely expressed myself – my heart longed for this. In turn, I attended the Club almost every day until high school.
Through guidance from the Club, I was highly involved in extracurricular activities. My involvement allowed me to escape from the stress that occurred at home. Often times, I cried to a God that I wasn’t sure even existed, and I asked why my family life was so difficult.

My sisters were jealous of the path I was choosing and the friendships that I had. My sister Angie often told me that she hated me and hoped I would die. Angie scared me – she always stayed up late talking to random guys online in the dark and bragged about her atheism. Angie was suicidal and had cuts all over her arms. We had to take her to the hospital from her attempts to end her life. I was scared to live in the same house as Angie, since she always said how she hoped I would die. Some nights before falling asleep, I put cabinets near my doors in hopes to block someone from coming in my room.

In high school, I participated in a few community service projects, which really brought passion out of me, which I know today, is the feeling of God’s love.

Then, I went off to college and met my ex-boyfriend, who I dated for over 3 years. When I first met him, I told him that I plan to wait until marriage to have sex, because there was something inside me that wanted to make this commitment. He was an atheist and since I was not clear on what that something inside me was, I decided to give in and have sex.

Throughout college, I struggled with drinking and striving to gain approval from friends. My junior year, I went on a community service trip in Wilmington, North Carolina with college friends. After the trip, there was something inside me that wanted to go back again by myself.

So, I went on my own for 2 weeks, and little did I know that the Lord would be pursuing me.

I stayed with a married Christian couple who shared God’s love to me, and invited me to church. On one of my days with them, we served a widow who was on bed rest. I asked the widow if there was anything else we can do for her. With tears in her eyes and the breathing machine by her side, she said to me in desperation, “Yes, please pray for me.”

With tears and uncertainty revealed on my face, I grabbed her hands and prayed. Out came beautiful words, filled from the Holy Spirit, needed to rejuvenate my sister’s soul.
As if this wasn’t enough love received from the Lord, I went back to Connecticut and stuck with my ways. Gideon and I broke up shortly after and he received an arrest for vandalism while drinking; which I believed was the last straw.

After college, I joined AmeriCorps and moved to California for a year. My extroverted self gained friendships quickly and felt very free-spirited. One night while going out with friends, I somehow got split up from my group.

Although I don’t remember the details, I woke up in bed with a man I didn’t know. I left immediately and called one of the friends I went out with to make sure she was all right. I asked her if she recalled what happened that night and how we split up but she did not have answers.

While frustrated and filled with shame, I continued living my life and tried to push this under the rug. A few weeks went by and I began feeling weak. I was sweating very easily and felt exhausted for no reason. Then one morning, I woke up and found a puddle of blood and sweat on my sheets.

I knocked on my friend’s door in tears and told her that I needed to go to urgent care immediately and I wasn’t sure why. She respected my request and brought me to the doctor with no questions asked. The doctor had no idea how to proceed and I informed him of the night I had a few weeks ago; so he decided to look inside me more.

As he performed a test on me, he said, “There’s something inside you.”

“Something inside me? How can this possibly be? What can this something inside me be?”

He very carefully began informing me that he had to proceed with taking the object out.

With more tears filling my eyes and an unexpected gasp exiting my mouth, there was a tampon that exited my body, from that night. The room reeked of odor from the dysfunctional object and the police arrived.

Less than 5 minutes from the incident, while only in my paper robe, the police began questioning me, “Are you sure this wasn’t consent?” “How much did you drink?” “Who were you with?” “Do you know him?”

For a while, I tried retracing my steps, and figuring out how exactly this even happened.

After the occurrence, I began feeling hatred and mistrust towards any man that even made eye contact with me. Men used to compliment my long brunette hair and I decided to get a short haircut, in hopes that men would no longer want to look my way. A few months later, I decided to go swing dancing. While swing dancing, I met someone named Josh.
He seemed very nice and respectful, and there was something inside me that felt able to trust him. Given the peace and comfort that I felt towards him, I asked for his number at the end of the night.

He then asked me out to dinner and I said yes. When the food arrived, he asked if I would mind if he prays for the food. Although I found his request odd, I went ahead and said, “Sure!”

While I was getting to know Josh and learned about all the unique things he had going on in his life, I asked him, “How do you manage all these things?” His response was, “I have no idea. I give it all to God and he leads the way.” I then asked Josh what he meant by “giving it to God.”

Josh continued to show me God’s love for a few months, and he still does to this day. On March 3, 2013, (3/3/2013), I decided that I believe.

A few months later, I moved back to Connecticut and arrived much differently than how I left. I was no longer the boy-crazy, party girl that my friends and family said goodbye to a year ago. Many friends decided they no longer wanted to hang out. Some people in my life even wondered if I became interested in women, given the drastic approach to men that I made.

Nevertheless, I started going to church and engaging in fellowship. In April of 2014, I got baptized, and several family members came to witness. During my spiritual journey, I’ve been making more conscious decisions to live for Christ. In December 2015, I started my own small business called “Shine Your Light Art”; the name is inspired by the scripture, Matthew 5:16. My hope is that God continues to use me, to shine light on family and friends, particularly who don’t believe. Every day and moment is a new opportunity and invitation to get closer and closer to our creator.

Megan

I was so moved when I read this by Megan! If you were impacted as much as I was, go give her a shoutout at her blog! Also, if you want your testimony to be featured on the next Testimony Tuesday, go to the softcoverheart contact page.

Thanks for reading,

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